Practicing

turns out, it's what it's all about

thoughts

It is a fine line from doing as I please because I have but one short life and alcoholism. A very fine line indeed. I make this discovery as I sit alone outside at a bar whilst¹ reading my book. A woman of higher will power wouldn’t have found herself here. On a Wednesday, of all days. That being said, walking this line is doable, so long as you give it a bit of practice. Only two beers, only pilsners. Just enough to enhance the world for a short while.

I find this to be the perfect place to daydream and be romantic. Alone at a bar (mysterious), a little drunk (lowered inhibitions), a book in your lap (air of erudition). A true romantic is one that only imagines, after all. So I use the time to think up all my scenarios, practicing for moments that will never exist. It is one of my favorite pastimes, daydreaming. There is a whole world within us, and exploring it is one of my favorite things to do.

I recently got myself into a bit of conflict with a person of low EQ (rude but true™)², so my daydreams have been hyper-fixated on that. I spent the day after the conflict going over and over in my head where it had all gone wrong. Trying to understand what I could have done better, feeling guilt and shame that I allowed the interaction to happen at all. Rehashing it in my head, practicing over and over what I would have done differently if given the opportunity to try again.

I explained what had happened and shared my feelings with Adam about it in the car ride home later that night. When we arrived at our destination, our driver said “I’m sorry to do this, but I just need to tell you not to beat yourself up. It sounds like she was sent to you as practice”.

!!!!

So it’s all just a little bit of practice. Practice mastering my impulses, practice in dealing with conflict, practice for being a better version of myself.

I felt a weight lifted off my shoulders after that car ride. He had given me a gift, that driver. The permission to let go of the all-consuming need to control something that happened in the past³. Instead, I can just learn from it and keep it moving. Like a football player watching back their highlights, looking at their past self so as to improve for the next game. This wasn’t some ultimate test, it was simply practice.

And really It all is. Even sipping this beer on a lovely spring day, writing you this letter. God, I love practicing!

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So sorry for my ~writing sabbatical~ I was living my life, you see.

artwork

“Serving up God” 14x18”, oil on canvas

“A La Renaissance” 20x23”, Gouache on canvas

My etsy is finally updated! Buy my prints here: etsy.com/veronicaknellart

everything else

Some photos to share:

1. playing cards in gay Paris

2. Jane and Yann getting married <3

3. Work that i love from a show Adam curated

4. Adam with his prize after Lena Duhnam’s Famesick book tour

5. Me and my cat enjoying our backyard

6. My friend sara mae performing at the Foundry

See u soon xoxo

1. Please note my amazing use of ‘whilst’

2. Rude But True™ is a podcast idea of my uncle Tommy’s wherein he plans to say things about the world/people that are both rude AND true. A pastime he is well versed in an excellent at.

3. And in return I gave him a measly $3 tip…